I had a good dream last night. For the first time in a long time. The only thing that felt wrong about it was waking into a world where it wasn’t true. The thought occurred to me that maybe that wasn’t the right feeling to have, and maybe that feeling should have been one of relief that what could have been didn’t come true. All I know is that I’m totally lost and beside myself with feelings I knew I should have been prepped for, but didn’t take the time to care all that much. I made foolish decisions. All I have left now is to deal with them. I hate being that pathetically depressed person I’ve always known myself to be. I might as well just spit it out. I separated from someone I loved very dearly a few months ago. I’m still trying to contend with that. Someone else I held close to my heart decided to end her own life a month later. I’m still attempting to process that. I don’t think I ever will. And yesterday, my funny little ugly dog died. My outlook has been more than bleak. I really hope that I do recover from all that’s bouncing around in my head, but I’ve been feeling more like an immovable object than an unstoppable force right now. I think back to a few years ago when I felt positively incredible about my positioning in life, and I don’t know what I need to do to claw my way back there. I’m unmotivated. I’m uninspired. I’m unconvinced. There’s nothing that can be done for me for now. I can’t get by most days without crying about something. I hurt in ways that I once thought impossible. I guess you never know until it hits you, and you never really know what someone else is going through. My head feels like a murky pond—I need to figure out how to remove whatever’s blocking my flow, and I need to do it quickly. Before I fucking lose my mind. Every week I sit back on Sunday and ask myself If I did the right thing. I always reach the same conclusion. You can probably guess it. Don’t get me wrong, dear reader, if ever there is one, I know this negative self-speak is killing you. It’s not a very attractive trait of mine, and I’ll probably need to sort it out quickly, but how else am I expected to express myself truly if what I say isn’t that? I’ll admit that somewhere in my core there is something disgusting and inhuman that hasn’t had its time in the light until lately, but I also know that there are good parts stashed away too. I’m not going the nihilist route. I like to think that life is worth living, and the connections I make with others are often those shining beacons that pull me toward that train of thought. Those beacons shine brightly now more than ever before. I should be thanking all my friends right now for keeping my nose above water. Thank you, if you’re here. You’ve all been more help and comfort than I’d ever expected. I don’t think I’d ever say this stuff to anyone’s face, unless I got really drunk one of these nights we’re hanging out, but I think you get where I’m coming from. That’s all that really matters to me. I’m trying to muster up some resolve and determination that I used to think was everlasting in me. I hope to get there soon. It’s tough every day when I wake up and stare myself down in the mirror. I can’t help but see a different person than I’m used to. She was right. You were right. In spite of everything, it’s still me.
Yours (endlessly),
con
